The courage to say no

June 2018

Here are some thoughts for the ones who have difficulties to say no to things, opinions, ideas, situations, people, … just because they don’t want to be opposing, “different” or “complicated”. Here are some thoughts for the ones who think that pleasing people comes from fulfilling their expectations or of putting up with everything. Some thoughts for the ones who tend to mistrust their intuition and who tend to think that others may be smarter. Here are some thoughts for the ones who think saying no is a sign of weakness and the ones who even say yes when they actually mean and feel no.

For some it may be a long and painful way to learn to say no. No to what others think would be best for me, no to what one thinks one has to do because “one has to do it” and no to bad habits, self-destructive thought patterns and to things and aims one does not want to have in ones life.

Saying no can be essentially harder than saying yes. It sometimes needs a lot more energy. It sometimes needs a lot of courage. And it sometimes means to stand alone.

But in the end – it gives much more peace, freedom and strength than to fit into things and situations that don’t fit at all.

Actually being kind, uncomplicated and popular does not mean to always say yes. It’s the very opposite. There are two sayings: “The yes of a person who is not able to say no has no value at all.” And: “A person who doesn’t stand for something will fall for anything.” There is truth in both of them.

When a person says yes to everything and everyone – what does that mean? What kind of yes is this? Which value does it have? Can this be a yes which comes from personal conviction? Can this be a yes that someone really means with his/her full being and life? A yes really backed up by the person?

Saying yes although having a different opinion is like deceiving oneself. Saying yes to ideas and suggestions to others just to not disappoint them is not sincere. Doing what others want from you, meeting their expectations instead of yours is another way of deceiving oneself. It's a way to waste time and energy and who will be satisfied in the end?! Neither one nor the other.

Saying no to one thing means to facilitate something else. Every yes to one thing means a no to another thing and vice versa.

Making conscious decisions and defending them may improve the quality of life. It may improve the extend of being in peace with oneself and it may lead to more and stronger emotional and physical health.

For every one on this planet a day consists of 24 hours. The big, fundamental, all determining difference is: How does one spend his/her time? What does one do in those 24 hours, 7 days a week, all the days a month, 365 days a year?

A no can refer to so many things, parts and subjects in life. It’s sometimes a very subtle process. Cause it is possible to say yes just by not opposing. By letting things slide one automatically says yes to status quo.

 

Some examples:

Nourishment for the body and the mind

Saying no to low quality food for example means saying yes to high quality food. Maybe less food considered quantity but definitely high in quality. On an average a person eats three times a day – 21 times a week, about 80 to 90 times a month and about 1100 times per year. There is the saying “you are what you eat”. So the decision about what one physically incorporates into one’s body may be of relevance. With what kind of substances does one supply the body and the mind? Is it processed, oven-ready or frozen ready-made meal? Or is it a freshly, self-cooked meal? And what does it consist of? Does it mostly consist of white flour, kinds of sugar, cheap fats, preservatives, food additives, things one can’t even pronounce, is it maybe also full of drugs/medication (e. g. conventional meat from factory farming has astonishing high amounts of drugs and hormones a human body really doesn’t need to metabolise). Or does one prefer to know where the food comes from? To reflect on what one spends one’s money for? Maybe less contaminated organic food? Nourishments like plants, vegetables, fruit, seeds, beans, lenses and spices? Food that consists of vital materials – namely vitamins, minerals, trace elements? Food Mother Earth provides us for free and which gives the body so much vitality and nutrition?

There is another perspective on the subject of nourishment. First and obviously one considers food as nourishment for the body. But there are so many other things that can nourish the mind, the soul, the emotions, the heart. Books, music, concerts, movies, sports, arts, dance, social interaction, being in nature, and so forth – these are all things that highly nourish the mind and soul. That may be deeply satisfying.  So what kind of books does one read? What kind of music does one listen to? What kind of movies and TV are being watched? What amount of time is being spent in front of the TV, maybe not knowing 5 minutes lager what was going on 5 minutes earlier? Is one consciously deciding what one is watching or is the TV being used for distraction? Does one take the time to digest also mentally what one has seen, experienced, observed?

Social life and realtionships

What kind of relationships does one have? What kind of people are in one’s social environment? Are there people giving appreciation, encouragement, inspiration? Are there people supporting one’s interests and values and who are mindful? Or are there more depressive, anxious, negative thinking, discontent, envious people who are lacking a drive and supporting a downward moving spiral, energetically? Saying no to toxic relationships, to people who steal one’s energy by bringing one down continuously may be hard but necessary. It means to make space for other ones that may be more uplifting and inspiring. Saying no to unnecessary and tedious contacts means making room for people who will share one’s visions and who want one’s success. Those people won’t be jealous of one’s success and they also won’t feel inferior because they also fight for something and they know the long and challenging way real success always takes.

 

Each and everything of one’s environment has an impact on the thoughts, feelings and actions. One’s environment corresponds with one’s experiences and it has an impact on one’s perception of the world, the people and oneself.

Assuming that one has the gift of being able to reflect and of being able to make conscious decisions I come to the conclusion that one always has a choice. It’s uncomfortable but a human being has the gift of using the intellect to decide what to think, what to say, what to do and also what not to think, not to say, not to do. There is always a yes and a no at the same time and it’s about making one’s own choice, every moment.

Making willful decisions requires mindfulness, reflection and courage.  It requires being conscious to what happens – to observantly perceive what is going on in each and every moment. As every moment is unique, there is no exact replication – not even in the things being done every day.

Saying no is not a weakness. A courageous no means that one is able to stand in for something and has the courage to stand alone.

Sometimes it may take some time to learn to say no. It may take some time to understand that it is ok to say no. One’s own feelings are as important as the ones of others. Sometimes a self-defence-class may be a good setting for developing the ability to say no by learning to defend oneself.

As thoughts and emotions find expression in the body’s language, the person’s voice and behavior there’s a correlation between what is going on inside and outside. To understand not just rationally but also emotionally that it is ok to say no, that it may be vital to do it sometimes may be a learning process.

Actually there is so much freedom one has many hundred choices to make throughout the day. But how many things happen by custom, mechanically? Yes and no also express themselves in habits, behaviours, actions,… Acting in the same way always is like saying yes to status quo.

If one is able to say no even if it’s uncomfortable a yes counts a lot cause it’s a serious yes. To have the courage to say no to something may mean to have the courage to say yes to something else. There’s no yes without a no and there’s no no without a yes.